Missing

Me missing Dublin sooo sooo much!
Just out of sudden..miss the air, the blue sky, the warmth of akhawatss.
The flakes of white snow..
Everything..
Every single little thing..
Wish to be there, again…and again!

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I wish…

Just before I sleep, was having this so-typical-average-teenagers thought of…
How I wish Im as beauty and cute as Emma Maembong!
Haahaa…

Astaaghfirullah. Have to keep on reminding myself tho…
Beauty fades.
Good charity and kindness remains.
Hope to stand-proud as real mukmin!

Chayok^^

Will you marry you??

I remembered once my Murabbi ask me a question that somehow glued to my brain and heart quite strong.
It wasn’t that long time ago and it really..just an easy, straightforward questions of:
“Will you marry you?”

I was sure it wasn’t because of the simplicity of the question, but more of the hidden message behind it that left me speechless for quite sometimes.
For sure, this is nothing like a non-effortless question!

Will you marry you??

Well, No.. I’m not going to marry myself LITERALLY!
And judging form the less positivity and lack of self-liking im having for myself…so the answer is NO! I WILL NOT marry myself..
I don’t want to marry myself who have lots of faulties, weakness and imperfection!
I don’t want to marry myself who talks much nonsense and less wisdom.
I don’t want to marry someone who sleeps a lot! Yet, still holding tight to her post-subuh-sleep-hour schedule.
I don’t want to marry someone who spends a lot and plays non stop!
Not with someone who are layback.
Not with someone who are ficker-minder.
Nor someone who think much of herself at most of the time..

Well, the negative list goes on..and on!!
(I wonder where my positive values hide…or is there any??)

But again..it tooks me quite sometimes to realize what is the question is ALL ABOUT?
Its about you, recognizing the shortcomings and flaws that lies inside yourself. The jahiliyyah that confined inside for years!
Disgust it.
Change it.
Delete it!
Through tarbiyyah…

With much of the struggles that will surely make you better and stronger…
I believe on one fine day, i may happily shout it out laud. (after having a firm tap at your back)
YES…I WILL MARRY ME!

So here, the journey begins…

-Hadzhamdan-

From ORTHO to PATHO…

Today is December 2nd, 2015.
It marked; Day 2 of life of me…being a patho MO.
I guess its a huge jump, from ortho to patho. From a highly respected position to a lower-profile, less-known portfolio…it does make me doubted myself.
From chopping to cutting..
Oh, Allah…

And I also guess, its never start off that well either.
Being into ortho because of its glamorous perception that people are throwing.
Cool!
Macho! You got the style…
You got the life-style!
And I thougt, I might fit into it…coz I DO want to fit into it.
To be known as someone that ‘fix’ things..
Having the precision, looking at the x ray as in you’re having that 3 dimensional pictures running on your head.
At the end, it turns out that…NOTHING comes out as what I’ve dreamt of.
I don’t have the style, the coollnes…nor the skill.
I almost have NOTHING..
True enough, that the right niyyat at the very beginning is the utmost essential thing!

So, here I am.
In patho…taking bloods from 8am to 5pm, doing much like a houseman work.
Back to square one.
To the very basic.
One of the akhawat said, I don’t need to study that hard for 5 years to end up stuck doing sort of vampire-work!
Again..its true enough.
And there goes my ego, my pride…my dream of being SOMEONE!

Its 2nd of December 2015
It marked the 11 months of me being an MO in Hospital Miri.
Regardless of the pitfalls of trials that comes and goes, I am superglad that I have Allah that never fail to guide me…to treat me well!
To wipe my tears…and to hand me all the helps that I need.
And today, as Im taking the blood of my patient..i just feel so relieved!
That He has brought me this far at this very-so-called-bottom-place of Hospital Miri to make me realize that…every single, small deeds MATTER!
It not about your position.
It doesn’t matter what people may address you as.
Never about how many people that ‘serve’ you..
Its about doing your amanah, sincerely…and knowing that small deeds really MATTER!

So today..lets keep moving forward.
And hope for better future, insyaallah..
Hoping that I would start to do things more in a RIGHT way…throughout…

-hadzhamdan-

Sepenuh harap!

Setiap sesuatu punya waktu dan ketetapan.
Punya senggang ketika…yang butuh kesabaran untuk terjelmanya impian dan harapan.
Pada kotak-kotak kosong, kita isi dengan tawakkal dan keyakinan.
Pada kelemahan dan ketidakupyaaan, kita tampal lompongan itu dengan penuh daya usaha.
Mohon pada Allah.
Berbakti pada manusia.
Patuh pada kewajiban.
Seterusnya, kita melayari sehari-hari kita dengan indahnya senyuman…seteguh pengharapan:)

Tuhan, janjiMu aku tunggu!

-hadzhamdan-

The reason I’m writing…

People write for reasons. Some write with the pure intention of giving good advices, some write to express themselves…some just simply they wanna share their thoughts and feelings.
Its been quite sometimes for me to figure out the reason I wanna write.
Until one fine day, that I realize why I’m into writing.

I didn’t really grow up with Abah and Mak. As much as i can remember, its Nenek and Atok that raised me up back in Kuala Lumpur.
I can’t tell how’s my life-plot, with much of it were best described as old-dim-foggy memories.
There was a moment when I only met Abah and Mak once in a year since they lived in Sarawak…meanwhile me was struggling finding my true-self as a teenager in Seremban, living with Nenek and Atok.
That reality actually hit me, as one day me actually stared at Abah’s face and asking myself..”Is this my Abah?”

OK parents!! Hopefully it would give some significant lesson here.
DO NOT ever lets your children away from you guys…especially when they are still ‘freshly’growing:((

But I never regrets of what Allah has arranged for me.
I know that He always plan the best for us…rite?

So, having little memories about Abah…
And the fact that he left us so soon, because of probably doubtful diagnosis of Guillain Barre Syndrome…makes me wonder.
Who is Abah?
The questions sometimes just pop out, out of sudden.
So tonight, I just wanna write down about Abah…as much things as I can remember about him.
So later..in case I suffer some kind of memory loss/amnesia or anything in between…
I can still have some good picture about Abah.
In general, Abah is a good person. Oh, nope…he’s a GREAT person indeed!
He helps people. He lent people money, which he don’t really ask for a payback.
He never complains of having fussy, fastidious mother in law.
He sticks up motivational ¬†quotation on this study table. I remember one of it was “Biasakan yang betul dan betulkan yang biasa.”
He performs Qiyam, since I always woke up in the middle of the night…finding him doing tahajjud.
He made me proud of being a scorer during my primary school simply by saying, “This is anak abah!”
He made false promises to buy me some soft drinks..so I would gave up mine to my little bro. Ending up… I don’t really get anything, but somehow I was happy and felt appreciated.
He sat beside me on the sofa, asking if Im OK…and letting me to sulk.
He said sorry, when ever he forgot to knock my door before he entered.
He bought us some bollywood CD.
He made for us mini playgorund with ‘jonkang-jongket’ and swings which later invites the unknown kids to our compound.

Ok..not so bad:))
Its not really an event kind of memories, more like a jumbled-up and puzzled memories of here and there..
But well…its not too bad!
Oh, yeah..adding up how actually I love to perform solat together wif abah, coz he prays fast.haha..
And he made a mini library for us so that we read books..any kind of books!¬†In which, me actually growing up reading a high level books of “Fitnah Terbesar Dalam Sejarah Islam” when I was only eleven years old. And asking questions like…”Why Saidina Uthman selects the gabenor and leader amongst his people?”

Oh, Allah.. I miss Abah.
A lot.
But I always know that He belongs to YOU…us all belong to YOU, so to YOU we all would return.

So, here I am…writing things down for reasons.
In case, I might forget things.
Im writing…so people would know me. My future husband would understand me. My children would hopefully admire me..huhu..
Reminding myself the bless of Allah.
To be greatful.
To be constantly self-conscious that…every nikmat comes with responsibilities and accountabilities.

Thanks Allah.

Hadzhamdan

I’m home…finally:)

It sounds sooo..poyo, kan.
Me finally back to semenanjung after few months in Miri. Such an ‘undefined’ feeling to be described.
Being able to sleep on your own queen-sized bed, with such a pleasant air-conditioned room.
Having this whole not-so-big room for urself and you simply can do what ever you wanna do.
And you just hope that this would last forever.
and yeah, I know.
How worldly it sounds:(

Well, I’m suppose to go to Melaka to attend my HO’s engagement ceremomy but I totally forgot bout it:((
And I’m suppose to hang out with Faradiba…and again, I ruin her weekend plan to spend some time with me.
Sorry, mek..

Tomorrow, im going to see mom.
To Kuantan.
Everything is actually ‘jungled-up’ in my mind. Not really having the proper plan of how to maximise my holiday.
Its only 7 days, btw. Nothing much to do or to gain.
but I do hope the ‘barakah’ will spell me some magic.huhu..

Okay Had..lets have some things-to-do list
And pray hard it works well..huhu
(which me actually doubting myself at the moment)

Hadzhamdan