It hurts…

How a total stranger can bleed you so deep? Its haemorrhagic inside:(

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Scar

The first should strike high and reach the top sky.
Now.
Blaming the blue panda.
Why would you even care when it gives you no bamboo?
To earth we settle down, for real!

Missing

Me missing Dublin sooo sooo much!
Just out of sudden..miss the air, the blue sky, the warmth of akhawatss.
The flakes of white snow..
Everything..
Every single little thing..
Wish to be there, again…and again!

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I wish…

Just before I sleep, was having this so-typical-average-teenagers thought of…
How I wish Im as beauty and cute as Emma Maembong!
Haahaa…

Astaaghfirullah. Have to keep on reminding myself tho…
Beauty fades.
Good charity and kindness remains.
Hope to stand-proud as real mukmin!

Chayok^^

Will you marry you??

I remembered once my Murabbi ask me a question that somehow glued to my brain and heart quite strong.
It wasn’t that long time ago and it really..just an easy, straightforward questions of:
“Will you marry you?”

I was sure it wasn’t because of the simplicity of the question, but more of the hidden message behind it that left me speechless for quite sometimes.
For sure, this is nothing like a non-effortless question!

Will you marry you??

Well, No.. I’m not going to marry myself LITERALLY!
And judging form the less positivity and lack of self-liking im having for myself…so the answer is NO! I WILL NOT marry myself..
I don’t want to marry myself who have lots of faulties, weakness and imperfection!
I don’t want to marry myself who talks much nonsense and less wisdom.
I don’t want to marry someone who sleeps a lot! Yet, still holding tight to her post-subuh-sleep-hour schedule.
I don’t want to marry someone who spends a lot and plays non stop!
Not with someone who are layback.
Not with someone who are ficker-minder.
Nor someone who think much of herself at most of the time..

Well, the negative list goes on..and on!!
(I wonder where my positive values hide…or is there any??)

But again..it tooks me quite sometimes to realize what is the question is ALL ABOUT?
Its about you, recognizing the shortcomings and flaws that lies inside yourself. The jahiliyyah that confined inside for years!
Disgust it.
Change it.
Delete it!
Through tarbiyyah…

With much of the struggles that will surely make you better and stronger…
I believe on one fine day, i may happily shout it out laud. (after having a firm tap at your back)
YES…I WILL MARRY ME!

So here, the journey begins…

-Hadzhamdan-

From ORTHO to PATHO…

Today is December 2nd, 2015.
It marked; Day 2 of life of me…being a patho MO.
I guess its a huge jump, from ortho to patho. From a highly respected position to a lower-profile, less-known portfolio…it does make me doubted myself.
From chopping to cutting..
Oh, Allah…

And I also guess, its never start off that well either.
Being into ortho because of its glamorous perception that people are throwing.
Cool!
Macho! You got the style…
You got the life-style!
And I thougt, I might fit into it…coz I DO want to fit into it.
To be known as someone that ‘fix’ things..
Having the precision, looking at the x ray as in you’re having that 3 dimensional pictures running on your head.
At the end, it turns out that…NOTHING comes out as what I’ve dreamt of.
I don’t have the style, the coollnes…nor the skill.
I almost have NOTHING..
True enough, that the right niyyat at the very beginning is the utmost essential thing!

So, here I am.
In patho…taking bloods from 8am to 5pm, doing much like a houseman work.
Back to square one.
To the very basic.
One of the akhawat said, I don’t need to study that hard for 5 years to end up stuck doing sort of vampire-work!
Again..its true enough.
And there goes my ego, my pride…my dream of being SOMEONE!

Its 2nd of December 2015
It marked the 11 months of me being an MO in Hospital Miri.
Regardless of the pitfalls of trials that comes and goes, I am superglad that I have Allah that never fail to guide me…to treat me well!
To wipe my tears…and to hand me all the helps that I need.
And today, as Im taking the blood of my patient..i just feel so relieved!
That He has brought me this far at this very-so-called-bottom-place of Hospital Miri to make me realize that…every single, small deeds MATTER!
It not about your position.
It doesn’t matter what people may address you as.
Never about how many people that ‘serve’ you..
Its about doing your amanah, sincerely…and knowing that small deeds really MATTER!

So today..lets keep moving forward.
And hope for better future, insyaallah..
Hoping that I would start to do things more in a RIGHT way…throughout…

-hadzhamdan-

Sepenuh harap!

Setiap sesuatu punya waktu dan ketetapan.
Punya senggang ketika…yang butuh kesabaran untuk terjelmanya impian dan harapan.
Pada kotak-kotak kosong, kita isi dengan tawakkal dan keyakinan.
Pada kelemahan dan ketidakupyaaan, kita tampal lompongan itu dengan penuh daya usaha.
Mohon pada Allah.
Berbakti pada manusia.
Patuh pada kewajiban.
Seterusnya, kita melayari sehari-hari kita dengan indahnya senyuman…seteguh pengharapan:)

Tuhan, janjiMu aku tunggu!

-hadzhamdan-